Have you finally orgasmed yet?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm at about main and main street
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
