How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
