You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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