True but thats because hes a fetus.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
