just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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