So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
a search helicopter?!
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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