I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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