no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
