You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
and eventually we just all took our pants off
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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