My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
