Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
