I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
