I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
