Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
