good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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