Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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