Well apparently he's into motor boating.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
