every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
