I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
