so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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