She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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