I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I could fuck to npr.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
