I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
