I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
