there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
