Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I need to sanitize my soul.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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