I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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