i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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