Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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