Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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