K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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