You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
