I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
