I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
