i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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