I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
