I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
