i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
