When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
