You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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