Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
