you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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