There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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