I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
