How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
