My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
