Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
