I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
