Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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