the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
