No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
