I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize