We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
