I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
