glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
