1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she looked like the before picture.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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