I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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