Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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