Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
