it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
