New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize